Dark night of the soul

Dear God,

Today I’m in a bad space. I’m stuck under a dark cloud I can’t escape. All I can do is focus on all the ways I’ve failed: the terrible books I’ve written, the weight I’ve put on, the time I’ve wasted, how I’m just washed up, old, ugly, and will never amount to anything. You’ve blessed me with so much, and all I can be is unhappy. That is just one more way I’m failing. I can’t be happy with what I have.

I don’t know how to escape these feelings. Perhaps I should just be happy with what I have, stop striving for more. But I can’t. I thought for sure I’d have been successful with my books by now. But this last book I published was a flop. No one is reading it, and honestly, I now doubt it’s any good. I’m no good. I used to think I was, but every book seems to be getting worse. I know less now than I did in the beginning. I believe in myself less. I’m afraid I’m going to die ordinary, and this scares me to death.

I need your help more than ever. I wish you’d fix this by just giving me what I want, but I know that’s not how you work. I know you want me to find happiness and joy in you, and in what I already have. I know you want me to stop being jealous of other people’s success, and to make the life of my dreams instead of sitting in misery. But I don’t know how! I’m wearing lead boots here, and I’m drowning. The weight on my chest is unbearable. My self doubt is crippling. My anger is killing me.

Please help me. Please take this burden. Please. I can’t do this alone.

Love, me.

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