I am angry over these three posts and their comments: #1, #2, and especially #3. Since receiving so much flack over all I have written, for having long, long comments thrown at me with scripture all over it, as if my blog is a chance to write out a whole sermon, to treat me like I am a sinner for mulling over my faith, I am angry. I am angry because all of these comments show that my blog was not read in its entirety, that what I wrote was mistaken in its interpretation because the reader read snippets and took it for what they THOUGHT it said. I have said nothing sinful in the words, I do not compromise anyone’s Christian faith through this entry. I am speaking of sharing Christianity through love, something that I have always written about and have always been passionate about. And for my main point to be totally ignored and for comments to be made about negative points I never even made, for things to be taken out of context and then turned on its ear, for comments made over and over to read the bible as if I don’t….
If I am being attacked, and it makes me hate this whole religion thing even more, it just makes me wonder even more about how Christians are MAKING the world HATE Christ for something He isn’t. THIS IS MY POINT, AND HAS BEEN FROM THE BEGINNING.
Having these comments all over my blog made me so sad and angry, even hateful, so much that I even considered pulling this blog and leaving my church, disappearing from all things Christian, and just giving up on all of it. My attitude became screw it all, I’m done. I’m sure the authors of those comments believed they were doing a service by “righting my wrongs”, that they were giving me hope with their outstretched fingers and personal interpretations of scripture. I’m sure they didn’t realize that I am more than a “soul to save”, that I am a human being with human feelings and human questions, much like believers and non-believers alike. I felt more alone than ever for my constant pursuit of a life under God, and I felt like a failure because it was being pointed out that I was so. I no longer viewed this blog as my safe place to write my soul into.
But I thought about it, and I decided that I cannot give up. I believe in my faith. I believe in what God keeps placing before me, that He IS placing it in me, for the passion and fire He has stirred up inside me to keep seeking out His truth and not man’s truth. He knows my heart. I am in a constant state of seeking His kingdom in everything, even if it means exploring things that scare other Christians.
I once heard one Christian friend say something not so Christian Politically Correct (CPC), and implore me not to say anything lest someone think she’s not Christian. Christians are scared to think outside the box, not for fear of what God will think (for I truly believe that God encourages us to question Him, so that we might achieve greater understanding), but for fear of what their Christian friends will think, as if THEY decide what eternity means for others.
As if being Christian means knowing God so well that we can damn for Him.
I refuse to be afraid like that, to even believe that. I am Christian regardless of how I am attaining my wisdom, and regardless of what others think of me. I believe wisdom resides in all corners of the earth, in good and bad, in Christianity and in non-Christian religions. I will continue to explore other religious wisdom to further my way of life under Jesus Christ. And I will continue to write about it with all the passion that keeps exploding in me. This is what I live for, seeking God. And it makes me happy to write about it here.
I was advised to not comment any more on this subject, for it troubled me so immensely and any more words from me would only fuel more fire in a debate I want no part of, and never even expected in the first place. And by typing this here, I do know I am opening up the can of worms again. But these are the last comments I will make on this subject before I move on and continue on my blogging path. I do not have all the answers. I DON’T know it all, nor would I ever claim to. And when so many people seem TO know, it worries me. But I also feel sorry for those that DO know, for the words that come out of their mouths actually prove that they are even more clueless than I am. How can we know it all? How exactly can we stand with firm footing on anything? I don’t know, maybe I’m more clueless than I thought. All I know is I have been brutally harassed on my own blog for being honest about not knowing, and for thinking out loud about what might be because it’s not popular with common Christian beliefs. It’s not CPC, and apparently that is a sin in the eyes of MAN. I think several Christians are sure I’m headed straight for hell, and mostly it’s over not knowing for sure and admitting that, and for being restless in CPC beliefs that I cannot share. And sometimes I’m scared because I’m not sure they’re wrong, that somehow I must have faith that there is only one truth in this whole world, and by questioning it I am hell-bound. But I cannot be active in something that furthers me away from God, or that poisons the chance for those around me to know God…..
….to me, that would send me hurtling into the pits of hell much faster than questioning and seeking God’s wisdom ever could.