I don’t really feel like including my ex-husband’s name in here anymore, so from here on out, he will be referred to as “Ex”.
Yesterday, I got a response from the temporary restraining order I have against Ex. I tell you, not having contact with him has made me wane a little bit. I know the kids miss their dad. I want what’s best for him, but I do not want them to be corrupted by him, to be influenced by him while he is how he is. And while I really doubt he’ll change, I at least want him to get some help so he has the chance to start making better choices in favor of his children. But I had started to feel ridiculous in this whole fight against him. And it’s not really a fight against him, it’s a fight for our children. But it was beginning to feel like a fight against him, and I’m positive that’s how he’s viewing it.
That was before the response came. I actually expected as such, but it was still a shock as I read it over. He denied ever laying a hand on me. Ever. He denied ever hurting Summer. He even picked apart my declaration to try to prove I was lying. He included letters I had written him, letters begging for him back after we had separated and he had found his next victim. He had included these letters before, and was resubmitting them to prove that he must not have abused me. It’s like I said, if he can’t make himself look better, he’s going to make me look worse. And he wanted me to look as pathetic as possible. As I read it, I was fuming. Victim me came back, and I felt like everyone in that courtroom was going to look at me like I was a fool and look at him like he was righteous. I felt like, how dare he! Didn’t he owe me? Didn’t he owe his children? And to boot, he was demanding that custody stay the same, that he still get weekly visitation. I called my lawyer, who wasn’t in her office. I left her a voice-mail that she probably won’t get until Monday morning, and we have court that afternoon. And still fuming, I left to go get my son from preschool.
But a funny thing happened while driving. I suddenly felt this urge just to let it go. I know that God was taking extra measures to let me know that He could handle it, reminding me to put my faith in Him. All that faithlessness I had suffered weeks ago, well, it served as a reminder now to just give it to God. So I did. And this is what came to me. It doesn’t matter if Ex denies he ever hurt me physically. It doesn’t matter that the court might not care about the abuse, or claim that there’s just not enough evidence against him for such. The letters? They don’t matter. These are not all the issues at hand. The issue at hand is Ex got extremely drunk while the kids were in his custody, and threatened police with a baseball bat and a gun IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN when all they initially came to do was to assess the situation and talk to him, and dared the police to shoot him dead IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN. If it weren’t for my children being there, I know the police would have shot him. (And in some ways, I wish they had taken out a knee cap or a shoulder or something, just to take away from his apparent invincibility. But that would have completely traumatized the kids.)
God reminded me that this already is in his hands. At this point, the most I can do is stress over it, and that’s not likely to result in any action. So I let the Lord take the weight off me, and I even smiled. This will all be okay on Monday. I prayed to God to please open the judge’s eyes to only what was best for the kids, and not the best interest of me or Ex. And I prayed that I will keep my eyes open to what’s best for the kids, and if I am lacking, to give me the wisdom to see as such.
I also feel better knowing that I have a lawyer present to argue on my behalf, so I am a little less stressed than I was two weeks ago. But I have to admit that part of me is thinking over how I would argue this. But this is probably why I SHOULDN”T be arguing my case, because there is so much of my emotion involved. So while I will be actively presenting all the facts, this is just in God’s hands as to how it will be presented, and how it will be received. And every time I start to stress about this whole case and the details of it, I remind myself that I already gave it to God, that He will worry about the details. And I am relieved once again.