It was pointed out to me that I am putting a lot of things before God. I appear to have more faith in Randy than I do in God. What do I mean? I fear Randy and am stressed out by this situation more than I trust that God will be there for me and will see that the best situation will prevail.
I was angry after the court date on Monday. In that courtroom, I was disrespected, I was made out to be more interested in righting my scorn than protecting my children, it was all made out to be ugly, and then was not resolved because a continuance was granted. I left there feeling let down, like God had left me for dead. I was angry, hurt, and just plain exhausted at the idea of having to go through this all again, this time with lawyers. And I know that if Randy cannot make himself look better, he will instead drag my name through the mud and make me look worse. And because I have so much “faith” in him and he knows it, he is able to rile me up and make me appear more passionate than determined. This is what happened briefly on Monday, and it will happen again if I am not careful.
So right now I am just angry. I am angry that it was brought up that I had so much faith in Randy, and that my faith in God was lacking. I’m angry that this person even had the audacity to say such things to me. And I am angry because what was brought up was the utter truth. Right now my faith in God is nil. I do not trust Him. I am more focused on what Randy will do and what I need to do. And I am so unsure about what it takes to let all this go and put it in God’s hands without sitting on my laurels in the interim. I am confused about where the balance is, what my part is. And I have yet to just sit down and take some time to pray to God and seek out the answers.
My friend did point out to me that God was there with me in that courtroom. He was in the bailiff who apparently was Randy’s friend and put me down. He was in Randy who sat there smugly while I appeared angry and passionate to the judge. He was in the mediator who asked me to seek counseling because I might be letting my anger dictate what’s best for my children. And how? He lit a fire under me. He let me know that fighting this on my own is not going to cut it, and it’s time to make some serious changes for the better of my future.
But then, even after all that, what does my fight say about my faith? I am so utterly confused. I have spent so long getting Randy out of my life. He used to consume it. I was able to back off so that he didn’t. But the truth is, at bad times with Randy, when Randy would start his crap again, it did consume me. So maybe I haven’t healed after all. And now the confusing part is that this court case and all then things about it, especially Randy, are consuming me again. This has become my whole focus, and I am stressed out beyond belief. And when I’m then told that I have more faith in Randy than I have in God, what do I do? How do I remedy that without backing down from my fight? I’ve gotten this far, if I back down, Randy will own me. The message sent to him will be that he can do anything he wants and there will be no reprecussions. And if I fight this fight harder than I have been, as I thought I was being prompted to do, am I putting God on the back burner once again and “worshipping” Randy? I have been prompted to go for Randy’s parental rights terminated, and now I feel like I’m being told that this is going way too far.
This whole case seems to be threatening all parts of my life. And just that thought alone shows more faith in Randy than in God.
I have no lighthearted and inspirational end for this entry.