So, I’m having this inner conflict with my church, and it’s just all out consuming me. And I have been encouraged to speak up about it, but I haven’t made that step yet. And the reason is because I am so passionate about this conflict that I’m afraid that I will either burst into tears, or I will not be effective in my words, or I will get more angry than is acceptable. But mostly because I am just plain chicken. But in the meantime, I am in utter misery.
I love my church. I have had many great experiences in my church. And my church has been there for me countless times when I was in need. I love the people who go there, I love the pastors, I love that it is so kid-friendly and my kids are thriving there. But this conflict I am having is giving me doubts as to whether I even belong there or not, and tempting me to start exploring other church options, even though my heart still lies with this church.
I am being so consumed by this that I dread church activities now. I dread having to set foot in the building. I am shutting Jesus out in this church because I’m enraged. Last night, I must have had 50 dreams, 49 of them being over this issue. I got no sleep, as I woke up feeling sick after each one. But Jesus revealed Himself to me in one of my dreams, and let me know that we are all God’s children. ALL OF US. And he accepts and loves all of us. That’s about the point that I finally fell asleep for good with a new sense of relief and peace, and got to sleep a whole hour before my alarm went off. I’m still finding that dream a little surreal.
This morning my car was blocking my sister’s car in the driveway, so I needed to move it before she could go to school. The radio station was set to K-LOVE, and the very first thing I heard, plain as day and not cut off, “Is a conflict with your church keeping you from going to church?” My mouth dropped. It went on about how church is not perfect, and to not let a problem I am having affect my faith.
I’m not sure what that means for me. I’m considering taking a month long break from church, though not from faith at all. But at the same time, I’m wondering if it is important for me to be going to church right now because of this conflict, because I am drawing an awful lot of conclusions right now. As it is, I have two days to make my final decision for this week.
Lord, please guide me in your will, allow me to be able to hear you despite our imperfect ways. Let no one be turned away from your love and peace. And please guide those who may inadvertently be causing just that.