I’m not done yet…

I have to admit, I let this momentarily take a toll on my faith. After yesterday, I was ready to throw the towel in. I was mad, madder than I’ve been in a long time. I cried all day, and just felt like this whole thing was hopeless. I didn’t see the point in fighting anymore. I was mad at the judge, at Ex, at myself, and at God. I felt like this whole thing was unfair, and what am I fighting for? It all seemed pointless, all that stress I’ve been going through for months. And just the thought of going through it for three more months at least left me feeling weak and depressed. No way did I want to go through this anymore.

But I have come to some conclusions about yesterday. I was under the impression that the judge knew more about the case than he did. When we sat before him, he probably really was looking at our case for the first time ever. He probably never saw the log I had been keeping of Ex’s behavior in the last 6 months. He probably didn’t read the whole recommendation of the mediator. I did not speak up enough.

My job will now be to keep detailed notes of the next three months. I will be contacting a lawyer. I will not lay down and play dead, but I will fight for what I feel is right. This is not over. He did not win, and my children deserve more out of me. I am not the weak and pathetic one anymore. I’m still in this.

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