I’ve had some time to reflect on my life at present, and have really been amazed at how far I’ve come along in this short period of time. But with all these changes is still confusion. The biggest, of course, is my single life, and how, as a Christian, do I live it?
At Tribe we have been going over this very subject, and I unfortunately missed the first two of three sessions. This is the very topic that I need examples and tools for. You see, the only example from my own life for singlehood is when I was 17 and younger. And that’s not exactly the example I’m looking for. So when I got back into the dating world (way too early, mind you), I was very ill-prepared. My self esteem was shot, and it affected my choices.
But nowadays I get it, somewhat. I know what I want, and I’m willing to wait for it, but I still have fears. The only experiences I’ve seen so far are guys looking for instant “love”, and by love I just mean the physicalness of it. So I just stopped dating because first of all, I was looking too hard and obviously in the wrong places, and secondly because I needed to find myself. And in doing so, I’ve been having the time of my life. I’ve rediscovered friendships I’d been neglecting, I focused more on family and work, I found more of what I love to do. Before I was actually shaping my social life around how I could meet someone because I was so lonely. The only thing was, I was lonely because I had not found me yet. I was there, but I was buried so deep inside. I was looking for someone to fill that void that only I could fill.
And only Jesus could fill….
I became re-reacquainted (yes it’s a word. I made it up) with God. Now, I’m not claiming that I am now super holy and God is at the center of my life. I still have a long ways to go before I reach that place I want to be at with the Lord. I still have too many issues and I know I disappoint Him so many times in my walk because I am still stubbornly holding onto things. I still have the tendency to put things ahead of Him. But Satan is tricky. Our relationship with God is affected not only when we are sinning, but when we feel so ashamed that we can’t face God. And that’s where I was at. I’d been told many times over that God loves us no matter what, that there is nothing we could do to make us stop loving us. But I didn’t believe it in my heart. And I couldn’t face Him. My prayers would be obligatory, and I would sometimes apologize for my sins, but mostly just not acknowledge them at all. You know when you’re a kid and playing hide and seek and you close your eyes, thinking that you are now invisible? Same thing. If I don’t mention it, it never happened.
Anyways, during this time of self focus, I have been meditating with the Lord. And still, I’m not claiming perfection here. But there’s been a definite change in my life. I’ve let go and jsut loved the Lord, thanking Him for every blessing He has given me, especially in the last year. And I have less stress than before. I am happier. I am more confident. The world looks better. and suddenly I have those answers for my dating life, that one subject that has been such a mystery to me. STOP FOCUSING ON IT!
Now I don’t exactly date. I go out, but I am clear on my intentions from the beginning. I am not looking for romance, I am looking for friends. And truth is, I’d rather it be that way, because why would I want to jump into something all over again? I am getting used to singlehood and it’s wonderful. I go where I want to go. I have my own interests and get to explore them with no limits. I am getting more fit now because I am excercising more (also very mood enhancing). Every part of my life has improved.
I am still confused about relationships. I have so many questions about how to handle things now that I have boundaries and morals. I have fears about who will accept me, and will I be strong enough to hold my ground? And this is why it is still better for me to be single and just enjoy that for awhile.