Fear

There once was a time when I went through the same sort of stress I am experiencing now and the way I dealt with it was by being unproductive and melancholy. Now, I feel that same tiredness coming on, but I am trying to remain busy to work my way through it. But I am going through so much right now, and it’s starting to feel unbearable. I would give anything to just be able to get in bed, pull the covers over my head, and hibernate until the storm has passed. But the difference now is I know that no matter my circumstances, I still have my responsibilities that have to be done (work, household chores, kids, etc). Hiding is no way to deal with my problems. I must bite the bullet and face them straight on, even if I am shaken up on the inside. It’s my phobias that get to me. Oh sure, he helps. Ever since I filed with the DA, things have gotten steadily worse. At first it was just him dishing out the verbal abuse, but now his girlfriend is in on it. And I remain calm and collected on the outside, watching my words and my temper, but on the inside I am a frightened child, hurt by the words they hurl at me. It’s not fair. It’s times like these that make me regret my wholesomeness, and wish I could be just half as heartless. Maybe then the words wouldn’t sting half as much. It’s amazing when a year ago, even at our worst times, I never would have guessed he’d act this hateful to me. It’s sad, really. He doesn’t know how much I fear seeing him, hearing his messages on my phone, dreading each time contact is unavoidable from him. He doesn’t know how afraid of him I really am, not fully knowing what he is capable of, and who he can fool into thinking he is the sane one and I am the crazy one. I hold my head up high and don’t let him get the satisfation of seeing my hurt and anguish. I only wait until the most private of times when I let my tears fall freely.

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