A familar loss

First things first, I cannot stand this whole Hello thing. It worked when I set it up, and now it just doesn’t. It’s so frustrating, because I cannot use it to upload new pictures and post them here. Aaaaarrrrgh!

Anyways, I am getting farther in my journey by learning about how letting go of resentment and ill-wishes can make me free. My ex and his girlfriend suffered a miscarriage this last week. Suddenly, all the things that I had deemed unfair in my life “caused by him” seemed very small. I’d be a liar if this news didn’t bring a small amount of relief to me, but it also brought on a surprising amount of compassion. It brought me back to my own losses. My friends already know this, but 2 1/2 years ago I lost my son 32 weeks into my pregnancy. I was weeks away from the moment of meeting him, and suddenly was told he had no heartbeat. I had to deliver his body, my first time ever going through labor. My first two babies had been c-sections. This loss brought on a deep depression for me. I was usually the sunny one in the household, and my darkness put a damper on our family. When I couldn’t bring myself out of it, my ex suffered even more, and our finances and stability went with it. It was the worst experience of my life, and the beginning of the end for my marriage. Shortly afterwards, I suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I think if I’d finished grieving for my son, it would have been sadder, but at that point I was still such a zombie. A year after that loss, I was moving out of my house and ending the marriage. Two years from that miscarriage will be this April, when our divorce will be final.

A baby can change your life forever. When you lose that baby, your life is still dramatically changed. No matter how long that baby was inside of you, you have made countless plans and dreams about him or her. Your previous life as a single human being suddenly becomes altered to include that baby, and when that baby is suddenly gone, it’s a huge loss. You knew that baby. He or she was yours. And you never got the chance to tell that baby how much you loved him or her. You never got the chance to hold that baby and look into that precious child’s eyes. And along with the loss of that baby is the hopes and dreams. You have just lost more than a child, you have lost a future you had planned for, even briefly.

When my ex told me about the miscarriage, I could not tell him enough how sorry I was. I couldn’t help feeling sorry for the girl I usually resented more than appreciated. True, I hated this pregnancy with a passion. The relationship itself felt like a dishonor to our marriage with my ex moving on so quickly after I left. But the pregnancy sealed the deal that this girl would be around “forever”, and it made me mad that this happened with such utter disregard to how it would affect our children who were still confused about the family being split up. But the truth is, it made me feel like I never mattered to him, and that it was very easy for him to replace me and make his instant family with someone else. When the pregnancy was suddenly lost in a moment, I was suddenly aware of how much bigger life was than just me. And I also became aware that no matter what happened, it didn’t concern me anymore. I have put so much energy into wondering if he still thinks about me, wishing ill-will towards him, hating him, thinking of revenge, etc, and all it has gotten me is nowhere. No, that’s not true, it’s gotten me nowhere with a lot of stress on my shoulders. And now another human being was hurt with a hurt that was all too familiar to me. All the resentment I had put so much effort into seemed so irrelevant for the time being.

That very afternoon I went out and found a pretty potted plant of yellow tulips. They just seemed right. And I added a card that gave them both my condolences, and that they would be in my prayers. I then gave the flowers to my mother in law to give to them. She thought I was nuts, by the way. And I’ve done a lot praying, too.

Yesterday I met with them during the kid handoff. As my ex buckled the kids into my car, I went to his girlfriend and again told her how sorry I was. We actually had a heartfelt conversation for 5 minutes. Today she went in for her D & C, and my prayers have been with her.

No, this will not make friends of me and the girlfriend. Yes, I will still feel times of resentment or anger. I am not perfect, and I still have kinks in my life to work out. At least I have come to the realization that I am still not over things, and I am allowed to take my time with it. That in itself gives me peace and puts me strides ahead of where I was. And at these moments when I am not concerned with their relationship or anything that concerns my ex’s personal life, I feel like I am truly free of this weight that’s been holding me down. And I smile more, too.

*Lord, do watch over this girl and give her the guidance and the comfort she needs. You know her life, and what it is that she is missing. Heal her pain, give them both the need to cry out to you.
It’s been rough being hit right and left with all you are putting on me, Lord. I feel more and more how much you want me to circumcise my life and lay it all down to you. And it’s hard! I still feel the need to struggle or complain when it comes to giving up all my wants. I am still not as patient as I need to be. I know you have a plan, and I will not see it in its entirety until I submit to you completely and accept all you want for me. But I have caught enough glimpses to know I want it. Lord, please give me that courage to trust in you completely and not question your will for me. Give me that courage to be your child through and through without reservations. Let me be free through you, and the strength to apply all you want to my life permanently.


One thought on “A familar loss

  1. Crissi, thank you so much for approaching all this with so much love. What immediately pops into my head and makes me wild with rage is hearing things like, “Well, it was God’s will” or “Oh, what a relief, she’s not pregnant anymore” or “Maybe there’s a chance for things to get better now” Not that I’ve actually heard anyone say that in reference to this situations, but I can just hear it in my head. Thank you for loving that girl, Crissi. That’s what it’s all about. I am so proud of you. And I really think God is too.


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