Ever have one of those life periods where you don’t feel God? This is where I am right now. It’s not that I think He’s gone, but just that He’s more distant. This is when I need to be more careful, because it would be so easy to throw in the towel and walk away from my morality. And at times like these, it’s easy to forget about God altogether.
I think the reason God has pulled away is in part because of all the life changes I am making. I’ve learned that God pulls away so that we work harder to seek Him. And it’s also a way to test me. I can boast to Him all I want about what I am doing for Him, but it means nothing unless I am sincere. If I don’t feel Him, will I just forget about these changes since I’m not feeling any kind of reciprocation for my “good deeds”? No, what He wants me to do is keep going, maybe even work harder.
The part I’m confused about is whether it’s ok to feel like I’m just going through the motions. I know that He is the reason I am doing it, but a lot of the time I feel like I’m just blindly going through the motions. I know I am following His direction for my life, but a lot of the time it’s like I forget who I’m doing this for. I feel like where God is, is an empty space. I know He’s there, it’s just hard when I don’t feel Him.
I think another part of why I feel this way is because I’m not being taken seriously in the religion department at home. My mom tells me that giving up meat is very risky and if I feel lacking then I should just eat meat. It’s silly, but this bothers me, as if she believes I’m just giving up something for the fun of it. My dad says he won’t give anything up for Lent, because he’s sacrificed enough in his lifetime. And when I pray at meals and thank God for preparing the meal for us, my sister interjects and tells me that God didn’t prepare it, my mom or whoever did. I’ve always thought of my house as a Godly house, but more and more I see it isn’t. My mom is religious, but the rest of my family has no religion. They just exist for the present.
Now I refuse to be one of those condemning Christians who points fingers about judgment day and all, but I hate feeling always on the defense about my religion. I grew up rebellious, and was not religious. But it has become bigger and bigger in my life since I refound God 4 years ago. But to my family who hasn’t been in much contact with me until I moved back home almost a year ago, this all still seems pretty new. It wasn’t until recently that for one, I stopped living like a hypocrite, and two, I just let my faith show itself even more. But there are definitely times it seems like too much work to let myself just be me and not worry about acceptance.
I’ve also been trying to make my prayers less about me and more about Him. Do you know how difficult that is? I don’t know when my focus changed so drastically, but I heard myself pray a while back and was amazed at how many things I asked the Lord to help me with, instead of just offering these things to Him.
To make a long story long, I am in this spiritual blackhole, where I just feel drained and empty. And even though I am trying to be understanding, I think it’s harsh that God is pulling away at this very point in my life.
*Lord, it’s hard to even pray to You right now in wide open web space. It’s hard when I don’t hear You. But I know You hear me, and my prayers do please You. So even though You seem farther away, I am still offering my sacrifices to You, and remaining faithful to You. And I am grateful to You for putting the desire of change in me.