Obviously this has been a really hard week for me. I’ve been stressed out about some actions I need to take, and worried about how everything will work. But I’ve been vague here because I am also afraid of my blog being found. That’s why I took my last name off of my profile. I performed a search of my name through Yahoo, and my blog popped up on the very first page. Now it doesn’t. But I wouldn’t hold it past my ex to have already found this page and be keeping tabs on me.
This week has been awful. Finding out about his new family has been really upsetting. He hasn’t even known this girl for a whole year, and they are starting their family. I am upset for this girl, who is only 20 yearls old and doesn’t realize how much she is throwing her life away. I am upset for my kids and our family of the past, who are now being replaced. I am upset because my ex has created this whole new life for himself, further proving that I really didn’t mean as much to him as I thought when we were together.
But at the same time, I have been getting through this by first of all, giving it to the Lord. When I feel it eating at me, I push the upset feelings aside, and look at all that my life is holding for me, all the positive. I have been reminding myself that this baby is not my problem, and they are going to have a lot of hardship in store for them because of their decision to start a family when they are not prepared. Any revenge I wish I could bestow on him is already starting. Yes, that is unchristian of me, but thinking that helps me get through my resentment. Eventually I will get the praying for my enemies thing down pat. I have no problem praying for her, but it’s my ex that I struggle with.
I’m also stressed out about last Sunday when he was so scary to my mom and me, and when he tried to keep my son. He didn’t even care that Lucas was scared. The look on Lucas’ face just killed me. I cannot let this keep happening, and it seems that every week he gets worse. I am petrified of him. He is completely unpredictable, and I am scared of what he is capable of. And I am very limited on what actions I can take because it’s been since April since he physically assaulted me. That’s all I can say on that issue here. I’ll be at Tribe tonight.
I am really trying to keep moving forward, to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. This has been the worst ordeal of my life. I’ve never felt so stressed out and worn thin. I have been having trouble eating, which has been wonderful for my diet and weight loss :0), but not really for my health and strength. And sleep has been really hard too. I feel like a zombie during the day because of all of this. And at times I feel like this life is not my own, not in the Christian sense, but like I am living for everyone else and not me. This is not how I want my life to be right now. I am hoping that all this stress pays off and my life proves to be fulfilling and successful. Right now it feels like I am in this constant tornado, like I am just hanging on by a thread. Money is tight, time is tight, and I am dealing with so much stress it’s hard to know what to tackle first. But I also feel like I am almost reaching it, as if my fingertips are just grazing the place where I am headed. I still believe there is a purpose to all of this. The Lord would not be heaping all this turmoil on me for nothing. There is a light to this tunnel. Yes, amidst all this panic, stress, and trying times, there is still hope….
*Lord, You have spoken and shown me You have other plans for my direction. It’s hard to swallow, but I still trust in You. I know You are only keeping me safe and making sure that all I do is the most beneficial for my kids and for my path. But sometimes I feel like I am blindly following, and that can be scary. As a human, I like to see where I am going, where I’m going to end up.
I am scared. And I’m angry. I have all these pent up feelings in me, and it’s hard to even know how to handle them. Please protect me Lord, and allow me the strength to fully get past all this so that my ex is no longer a concern of mine. Help me to further see how much my life is going to be wonderful, and already is.