Today’s been rough. I felt nauseous all day because of last night, and the fact that today I filed with the DA for child support. I’ve sporadiacally been getting child support from my ex, but through the DA, it will be more regular, and I won’t have to deal with him where money’s involved. Of course, the nervousness is due to what he will do when he finds out that money is being taken directly out of his paycheck for me. I know him, and he would have stopped paying me to pay for this baby that’s on its way.
And of course that bothers me too. He’s having a baby with someone else. Our divorce isn’t even final yet. Of course, the body was still warm when he shacked up with her a month after I left. But here’s this 20 year old girl giving up her whole life to have a baby. They live in this one bedroom shack, and barely have two pennies to scrape together. He can’t even hardly afford to pay for his own kids. And now she is giving up college and the whole thing, and they will be giving up her paycheck as her due date gets closer. What are her parents going to think? Well, I guess the same thing my parents thought when I came home 19 and pregnant 7 1/2 years ago.
I did finally eat today, and I am really trying to give this to the Lord. I am taking this all better than I would have several months ago. And I even found my Call to Worship today. Last night I typed up this big old thing, and still didn’t feel the message I wanted to bring across. So tonight before I got into the word, I said a little prayer that the Lord would lead me to where I needed to be. And He did. I found exactly what I had been trying to get out all along, and now feel ready for next Sunday.
And of course my Call to Worship pertains to my weaknesses right now, laying it all at the Lord’s feet and just focusing on the path ahead, something I’ve been singing about in the past several posts. This one’s just a little harder to swallow since it deals with my fears about my ex (internally and externally), and my issues with the past coming back to life. But my shield is up, not yet at it’s full potential, but it’s building up. I have more steps to take before I’m done, and I am terrified! But I just need to be looking onward and upward, and He’ll get me there. Was this how David felt before battles?
*Lord, I am at your mercy. Only you know how things will look on the other side of this mess. I want to ask where this is headed, and when it’s going to stop. When is it enough? But I know you are not done. I said I was ready for your lessons, and here’s my chance to prove it to you. Will I pull through? Only you know right now. But I still feel your strength in me, and I do see how much easier it is to keep going when you are my shield. Bless me Father. Keep me safe. Shield my heart and strengthen my spirit. As I keep moving forward, be the wind at my back. I need you now more than I have ever needed you in my life. I am at your mercy. Lord. I am at your mercy. I am at your mercy. I bow before you and give you my burdens and my life. I have faith that you will guide me, but please keep that faith in me as I go through each struggle. I need you. I love you.