Apparently the Lord put my name on Mellissa’s heart, because next week at 9 am I am doing Call to Worship. For anyone outside of our church circle reading this, it’s when you stand in front of the church and give your testimony. (deep breath) I have a week to do this and I am already nervous. What do I say? Yes, I have many different areas in which I have grown, but which one is what I talk about? I’m afraid to even talk about my current situation, because I feel like I still have so much more growth to do in this area.
The truth is, I know what my Call to Worship is going to be. I’m just nervous about talking about it in front of the whole church. I know me and how emotional I can be, and I know I will be in tears up there. So if you’ve ever wanted to see what mascara looks like in water form, please come to the 9 am service on Superbowl Sunday.
Today I was reading the paper, and saw that one of my daughter’s friend’s father had died by police gunfire. This boy is estranged from his father, and is growing in a stable and nurturing environment. He has not spoken to his father for years because his father has not contacted him. And the one time he did, this boy refused to talk to him because of his father’s previous lack of interest in him. But my heart aches for this boy who has now lost his father. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. It was a shock to read, and it makes me wonder how he is dealing with it. This boy is only 6 years old, one of five children from different mothers.
I have had my own issues weighing heavy on my heart. I’ve been wanting to fight for full custody of the kids. And today I am wondering if I am wanting this for the right reasons. I hate not having my kids on the weekends. Before, my ex had them Monday through Wednesday. That schedule worked well for me, because I got a break, and I also got significant time with them. But now, I don’t feel like I get hardly any time with them at all. During the week my time with them is so limited. We used to usually save the weekends for fun things to do together. And I feel like I really took the weekends for granted, because now I don’t have them anymore.
My goal was not to take the kids away from my ex altogether, but to make it so he only had visitation with the kids every other weekend. And now I am starting to see the other side of this. Reading that story in the paper, I realized that this boy will never have the option of seeing his father again. My kids do have that option. Reading that paper, plus talking with someone at church, put something in my heart that maybe I am being selfish in this area. The truth is, my kids are lucky because their dad does have interest in their lives. I can always talk to my ex about amending the schedule so that I have more weekend time with them, like having him drop off the kids in time for church on Sundays. There’s no reason why I need to take the kids away even more. Besides, how much of an ogre will I be? How much will my kids resent me later on if I do limit their time with their dad. I may have my own resentments, but that is not my kids’ problem. It’s mine. The best I can do is limit my contact with him, make sure I follow the buddy system, and just follow my path.
*Lord, once again I am sheepishly submitting to you. Thank you for whispering to me before I made a mistake. Please help me to look past myself and do only what is right for my kids when it pertains to them. Help me to be more supportive and less selfish.
Lord, please watch over this little boy and his mother in this confusing time. You know their hearts, and the aching they must feel as they are surely confused about how to grieve in this time. Please give me the chance to be of comfort to them, and to know what to say.
And please give me words that may touch at least one person in your church next Sunday, that could change their path towards you. Let me be an inspiration to someone who is needing the words you give me. In all this, your humble servant prays….