It suddenly occured to me, oh my gosh! There are probably other people fron my church reading my blog now that I have started one, and there are links leading to mine. This may or may not include my own Pastor Tom! Does that mean I have to really be sure to be on my very best behavior? Wow, the pressure!
Anyway, I have several things that I’d love to talk about. First of all, I felt the holy spirit last night. No, it wasn’t the first time, but it is always amazing and incredibly moving when it happens. It was when we were worshipping in song. I’m singing these songs, and I have Mellissa on one side of me and Mike on the other side. And the whole room is just sounding so pure and beautiful in our singing praise. And I hear Mellissa and her voice, which I have always admired, playing with the music and she’s worshipping God through song. And I’m just feeling moved beyond belief, and the power that’s inside of me is just immense, and suddenly I am only aware of myself and God, and I am singing to Him alone, and it is just beautiful. I just had to share that, because it was just such an awesome feeling to know that my voice was reaching Him in heaven, and I know he heard all of us and was rejoicing at our praise.
Yesterday, I needed that Tribe meeting. I’d had a rough time of it that I was keeping inside me. At 4:30 pm that afternoon, I went to Lucas’ preschool to do the kid handoff. I had been praying and thinking about this all week long, and I was really nervous. I have really started getting nervous anytime anything involves my ex. So I get my son and we go and wait in the car for him, and finally he pulls up, with his girlfriend driving. I honestly did not expect this. But I recovered, even smiled at her. My ex stood by the car, very distant, and basically ignoring me. Meanwhile, his girlfriend did all the work in getting Lucas’ carseat in the car, and checking with me as to where their overnight things were kept. My ex stood there and did nothing. When I asked him about when we were to meet on Sunday, he was very short about it, and asked when I wanted to meet. So I just told him when and where to meet me.
I acted as if none of it bothered me. I even joked about it later to a friend that he needed the girlfriend for protection. But although I have no desire to be with my ex, seeing him and his girlfriend brings up bad feelings. So when I walked into Tribe last night, all I had been thinking about for the previous 3 hours was how that kid handoff went. Being around a bunch of people who praised the Lord and who were good people really raised me up. And Thomas, I have to say, I felt really blessed around Mike, I can see why you want to keep him around. He is a really good guy and really loves the Lord. Plus, he has great taste in music! :0)
The last quick thing I want to talk about is my debt and finances. First of all, along with my marriage was a whole slew of financial mistakes made, and the ramifications are still there. It is finally time that I take responsibility and see what it is I need to do to get those problems taken care of, and how I can seperate my responsibility for any debts from my ex’s responsibility. If I can tackle half of the debt, I think it would be really manageable. My plan is to make some phonecalls on Monday and make an appointment with a credit counselling agency. I have a friend who is guiding me through this and will be calling me next Friday to make sure I’ve followed through. So I need prayers on this from anyone reading this journal.
Oh, and because of my uneasiness around my ex because of his anger issues, along with the fact that I still let him manipulate me, I have decided that I can no longer meet with him by myself. So on these occasions, I will be bringing along my mom or somebody else.
*Lord, thank you for touching me. I am not worthy of your touch, but to feel your touch is amazing. Thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people who truly care about others. Thank you for introducing me to this group in a time when I needed it most.
Lord, please take away my uneasiness and nervousness. Give me the faith I need to trust in you, that you will keep me safe. And help me in awkward times to not be bothered with the past. Please help me to move on and let go of my anger, my hurt, my fears, and to regain my strength. And please help me to find that strength in tackling my debt, to not feel overwhelmed and intimidated to make that call and change the things I need to change. Help me to follow through with this, and with all the other things I need to do to make my life whole again.