Judgment. It’s what I fear most. And the past couple of weeks, the Lord has been tapping on my door about this, a little louder each time.

Knock, knock. “Crissi?”

Knock, knock. “Crissi? Are you there?”

Knock, knock. “Are you there, Crissi? It’s me, God.”

Ok, that was my attempt at humor…

Seriously. I have been receiving lessons on this subject in the form of affliction for awhile now. Really, all my life. But it’s gotten a little more blunt now, especially in the past week.

I have been going to counseling for almost this whole time I’ve been separated. It’s been a God-send. I’ve seen this woman off and on for years, since I was a teenager. Each time it was because of my ex. But this is the longest time I have ever gone to her. Each time before, someone else forced me to stop. My parents did because they didn’t think it was getting to the results they desired, it just wasn’t fast enough. Then my ex did because he didn’t like my counselor. This time I almost quit because it was getting a little too real for me, and the money was too tight to pay for it. So she asked me if I would stay if she stopped charging me. I did. And I owe a lot of my growing to her. I know this was the Lord’s plan, because I was on a never ending yo-yo.

Anyways, in the past month, we have touched on this here and there, but she has been so patient in letting me figure it out on my own. My sister and I have also touched on it in our phone calls. But this morning, as I journalled about my verse from my bible study, the entry took on a whole different light. Read below, you’ll see. I started out talking about God’s time, and suddenly I’m talking about judgment. The knocking was getting louder.

Then right before my counseling session, the light bulb clicked on bright. I’m studying Self Matters, by Dr. Phil, as part of my self discovery in counseling, and it came to this part where I had to list what was holding me back as it pertained to my family, to God, to my children, to my spouse, and to my friends. This was really hard. I sat and thought for awhile, totally blank. Of course I understood with my ex how I felt held back. But how about the rest of them? I thought, until things started to just flood me, and I began writing furiously.

What’s Holding Me Back?

Family- Afraid they were thinking that I wouldn’t succeed, afraid they were looking down on me, afraid my choices wouldn’t please them, afraid that if I did go their way that I could not change my path if my mind changed.

God- Afraid that I was committing a sin if I went through with the divorce. Afraid that any move I made was wrong in His eyes. Just not knowing his plan for me.

Children- That my changes would not benefit them, and they would grow up hating me for leaving their dad, or any other decision that I made for them. That they would end up in counseling years down the road because of me.

Spouse- (Ex) His judgment and ridicule.

Friends- Afraid of being looked down upon. Afraid of losing friends if I let my true self be free.

Ok, do you see the pattern? It’s all about judgment! And as I wrote these things, I became excited. I know, weird. But it was like the secrets to my life were unraveling and were finally exposed. I have let this be a life habit for me, living my life according to other people’s rules. And I was never truly happy because it wasn’t me. And 9 months after attaining the keys to my freedom, I am finally opening the lock. I am free! Here I am, I am not afraid, and I am removing these chains link by link. I am free!
*Lord, I thank you for being persistent with me, for not giving up. I thank you for all the life lessons you have thrown at me, just patiently waiting until I got it. I now know that you were not punishing me. You were only making me stronger. And I know that your work is not done, that there are still more teachings on this lesson. And I joyfully await the chance to apply my new knowledge and become even stronger. You are a glorious God, and I am so grateful. Thank you!


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