This morning my daughter told me that my son, Lucas, was found playing with a gun at his dad’s house. Not one of those toy guns, but an actual gun. I know the gun she is talking about, we had it in our house since 9-11, against my protests and wishes.
My ex begged his sister for it, sure that our sleepy town of Santa Rosa was next on the hit list. I could tell you stories about that gun that would make your skin crawl, along with how our life really started changing for the worse from that day on. My ex went through this time frame where he was afraid to touch anything because he was sure that terrorists were spreading deadly diseases through germ warfare. I’m sure many of you out there are already figuring out why his mind was playing such tricks. But I was clueless. The truth is, he had always had these kind of conspiracy theories. He would stay up all night sometimes, going through every file in our computer, sure that someone was hacking in there and bugging our house. He would wake me up at all hours of the night, accusing me of all sorts of horrible things that were absolutely not true. But he would swear he saw it in the computer. Then he would lead me there, and it would be just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But it made sense to him somehow.
Anyway, I’m stepping off topic. The gun. His sister tried to deny him. She said no in every way but outright saying it. But as persistant as he was, she relented. 3 1/2 years later, he still has it. And apparently he isn’t storing it properly. Summer (my daughter) told me this information on a whim this morning, and completely threw me off guard. What was I to do? I have had so many run-ins with him, so many times of conflict that leave me shaking and him empowered. Just last night I had major conflict with him as I picked up the kids. And the kids, of course, witness this. So this information was not something I wanted to hear. Mostly for my son’s safety, but partly because of my fear of my ex, and the conflict any action on my part would do.
I struggled with this all day. It never left my mind. If I did nothing, how could I live with myself the next weekend when my kids were there again? If I did somehting, would I be strong enough to deal with my ex’s wrath? After much consideration, I grabbed the phone, went out of the house and climbed in the van, and called teh sherriff in private. Yes, it was extreme. But all I could think of was what would have happened if my baby had picked up the gun, and it was loaded, and it went off. I could not deal with that. I was directed and redirected to many different people, before I finally was able to talk to the dispatcher, who said a deputy would call me. And they did hours later. And as much as I had told them earlier about how I was afraid to talk to him about it, they said that legally they could do nothing, and I had to just talk to him about keeping the gun in a safe place. So I felt double stupid for going to such an extreme.
That evening, I left a voicemail message for him telling him that I knew about the gun situation, and that I would be contacting his sister to regain the gun in her possession. And I told him that I had called the sherriff about the whole thing, too. And when he called back 5 minutes later, I let it ring and go to voicemail. He left a 5 minute message belittling me. And apparently Lucas never touched the gun, he just saw it under the bed. Summer and Lucas confirmed that. So I just felt like the world’s biggest idiot because either I heard wrong, or I don’t know. I swore that Summer said it was in Lucas’ hands before my ex grabbed it away.
I did talk to his sister, and she let me know that the gun thing was way overdue, and she would be getting it back ASAP. That did relieve me. But I feel like one of those women you see on Cops that call the police for everything to solve their disputes, and we watch and are glad to not be them.
*Lord, help me to keep my cool in stressful situations. Help me to bite my tongue when provoked. Guide me in only letting sweet words or silence fall from my lips. When troubled, remind me that you are there, and my troubles belong at your feet. Give me peace and serenity, and trust in you. Lord, I have so many fears, hurts, and angers. Help me to get past them and leave them behind in my past. Help me to look at the future, and all the gifts and promises it holds.
Lord, you have given me so much, and I am eternally grateful to you. You have rescued me and placed me in a home of love. You have set me in a place where my faith and spirit are allowed to grow. And you have given me hope for my children, that they will grow up loving you and living in you. Help me to see this big picture when I am ready to give in. I love you.